i hope to dance.

i hate packing. figuring out where everything needs to go in order to find it again is not a task i've mastered yet. i have, however, figured out a system to label my boxes so i know what is in them. so the box i have next to me says this on it: "tea, mugs, food, picture, coasters." the box on top of it has a similar mismatch of items: more mugs, tea, my jar for change that april gave me when she graduated, my can of strawberry tea that i bought in bosnia, and a wall hanging i purchased in disneyworld last christmas. my goal is to do a little at a time so that it is not all overwhelming at once. recently, i've been packing until i my heart realizes what my head is doing - i'm packing to leave pbu. not for break. not for summer. forever. every shirt that goes into a suitcase and every mug that gets carefully wrapped and placed in a box is one step closer to being an alumni.

all week long i've been beaming. a friend told me today that i look lighter and less stressed. it's true. but there is something different that weighs on my heart now. and i haven't been thinking much about it lately. i've been busy getting ready for what's coming next - sending emails, filling out an application, making travel plans. but today i stopped.

i knew i'd have to. i could feel it coming. it all started with a tim mcgraw song (don't most moments like this begin with a country song?):

"you beautiful baby from the outside in,

chase your dreams but always know the road

that'll lead you home again

go on, take on this whole world

but to me you know you'll always be my baby girl."

and even as i write this now, my tears are warm on my face. i think of that look in my daddy's eyes that i'll see on saturday when i come up to him and give him the biggest hug with my diploma in one hand as i hold on tight to him with the other. i think about all that is before me and i think about how much has happened over these past five years. i am thankful, incredibly thankful. after saturday so much changes. the part of me that wants to figure everything out is so scared. i have been asking the Lord to change my heart so that it would rest in him rather than scrambling for control. i need to let go. please pray that i'll let go.

as i sat on my bedroom floor crying as the playlist went through more songs: "don't forget to remember me," "what hurts the most," and "bless the broken road," i wondered if i have a limit of tears that i'll cry these next few months. and as i think about it now, i know that those tears will be sprinkled in the excitement and the adventure that is before me. there will be both. and there is joy in both.

the next song that came on the playlist was one that was perfect for the moment:

"i hope you never fear those mountains in the distance.

never settle for the path of least resistance.

living might mean taking chances,

but they're worth taking.

lovin' might be a mistake

but it's worth making.

don't let some hell bent heart

leave you bitter.

when you come close to selling out

reconsider.

give the heavens above

more than just a passing glance.

and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,

i hope you dance."