the long walk.

no parking spots left in front of heritage dorm. i drive up to lot A to park my car, open the trunk, and unload my bags from the weekend to begin my treck back to heritage. with me i have my overnight bag and laundry from spending the night with carrie, my purse, and another bag of laundry and two freshly pressed collared shirts to deliver to a friend in wing one from his parents (who go to the church i attend). in the bitter cold and wind, i walk up the walkway juggling this load. i look ahead to the building and am discouraged by the distance i have still to go. i think about walking quicker or running, but with all of these bags it would be impossible. i decide to focus on the ground in front of me. i take a moment to glance at the sky and the beautiful stars. i continue to walk forward, taking one block of pavement at a time and manage to make it to the warmth of heritage hall without any item falling off of my load.

as i walk, i reflect on the phone conversation i just finished with a friend. "when i think of all that is going on with you, my head spins. if it feels like you juggling a lot, you are," she said to me. i do feel like i'm juggling a lot. there is much work to be done to finish this program. i'm balancing two "lives" of undergrad and grad. i'm in application with SEND (which is in and of itself a full time job, i've come to learn). i'm being faced with serious life-after-college decisions. i'm going to bosnia in three weeks. and i'm tired. yet as i reflected on all of this while walking to my dorm this evening, i realized - i need to keep looking at what is right in front of me. if i look all the way ahead - i am going to be so much more overwhelmed. granted, i have on the side of my desk a list of all assignments due when from now until the end of the semester. but it's written out so that i see what is of most importance. i'm learning to make priorities. and i'm learning that i, christine lindemann, am a priority. i am not my schoolwork. i am not how much i can accomplish in one afternoon. i am also not how many phone calls i have failed to return or how many emails i have to catch up on or how messy my room is. i need to care for my soul. i need to look up at the sky and admire the beauty of the stars.

now as i sit writing this, my shoulders still hurt from carrying my bags. i'm writing this to process it and to try to help myself believe it and live by it. and i wonder if instead of simply looking at the step in front of me, if there's more to this illustration. i didn't ask for help. i actually thought of it, i thought of calling security and asking for a lift. i could have called a friend and asked for a hand to help me with the bags. but i didn't. "this will get done a lot faster if i just do it," i thought. oh, i so easily do the same thing in life. and with God.

Lord, please forgive me for trying to do this on my own. please forgive me for wearing myself out because i'm not asking for help - from You and from the wonderful people you have put in my world. please help me now. please help me to ask for help - and to truly cast my cares on You. please give me faith to trust You with the decisions that need to be made and the work that needs to be done. thank you, Lord.